He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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