How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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