omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
