Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
