maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
