census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize