I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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