Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize