you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
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