I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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