PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
