Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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