you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
