i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Randomize
