I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
