I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Is Oprah even human
You ate ashes out of my bong
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
