even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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