Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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