Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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