I'd wear matching sweaters with you
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
