I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
