So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
