i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
