basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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