what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
