I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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