College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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