I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
