In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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