Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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