i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
