I want to stick my p in your. b.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
