i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
We're too hungover to prance.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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