I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
