Non-Jews are for practice
You smell like stripper and shame
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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