I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize