If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Oh god it's open bar.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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