I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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