Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
