If i come over, it means nothing
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
