just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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