Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
