if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
