They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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