Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
