I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize