We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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