After last night, I could never be a politician.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
