Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
