I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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