Your face is a jimmy john
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
