I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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