i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize