Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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