don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
