At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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