Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
