This is not my ceiling
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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