I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
