DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Randomize
